I Found My Breath
"He said to me, prophesy to the breath, prophesy son of man. Say to it: This is what Lord God says: Breath, come from the four winds and breathe into these slain so that they may live! So I prophesied as He commanded me; the breath entered them, and they came to life and stood on their feet, a vast army."
The above scripture is a direct reflection of my life over the last 15 months. I, however, was not slain by an army or any combatant. I was not slain by anyone or anything at all, but instead my production and output was distracted...by exhaustion. There were multiple things simultaneously fighting for dominance; it felt like I was going against a team of Goliaths. I couldn't ignore or sideline any of these due to their importance, so they required my immediate attention.
Fight for Connection. There were times where it seemed like God wasn't there. I know he's omnipresent, but it was as if he was stiff-arming me. Yes, I was attending church; maintaining a prayer life; fasted a few times; yet, I felt dry...almost dehydrated (spiritually speaking). You don't necessarily have to experience an emotional thriller to know the Holy Spirit is there with you, but it would've been nice on a few occasions. I found myself in a dry season without any warning or revelation from God...kind of like "well, I'm out. I'll holla atcha in XXX months" without getting periodic text or phone calls.
Lost while Carrying (Marriage). I began counseling (more on that in a later blog) to find myself, because I was lost..or was I? Communication between my wife and I had been a reoccurring issue, and it had got to the point where tempers flared over minor mishaps. Imagine two puzzle pieces that you know fit together; they have always fit together yet this time they don't. Upon closer inspection, you realize one or both of the pieces have been warped and the secure fit it once had was gone. That was our connection. On top of that, I was in a battle with myself over what my role was in relation to my wife's healing. I have always told her that I will not live life based on her insecurities or fears, but I will walk with her through her healing journey. I've held true to that, but the hidden conflict I was experiencing became clear to me after one our recent flare-ups: who is checking in on me while I'm caring for everyone else?
My Special Lady. That's what I call one of my daughters, who is diagnosed with ADHD. Her condition is perplexing to say the least. She's an honor roll student (always has been), she receives praise from her teachers, yet when it comes to her interactions with her siblings...I scratch my head. She does things that knowingly irritate them, yet that doesn't seem to translate mentally. Even after talking to her directly, she literally goes right back to doing things that alienates her from her siblings. Last week started the search for support (read: medication) that's (1) a non-narcotic, (2) won't impede her mental functions, and (3) won't open the door to worse conditions (like suicidal thoughts). As you can imagine, that search has not been going well.
Major Writer's Block. Anyone that knows me can tell you I am a poet / spoken word artist. I have been for years, I could write a poem in 15 mins and my bars would provoke your mind and/or heart into some serious reflection. That dried up...like someone turned off the faucet. I've had writer's block before, but this wasn't a struggle with identifying the rhyme scheme or how the 1st bar will set you up for the conclusion. This was a fight to keep my love for the art. The passion wasn't there, and I was afraid of planning a funeral for a major part of who I am.
Initially I said wasn't slain, but as I write this blog, I realize being slain was actually my condition. I felt dead, like I was drifting through life with no direction or purpose. That was until...things changed (cliche, I know). I feel more of God's presence, like our time of separation is over. Communication between my wife and I has improved (and she's going to counseling to work through barriers in her life). I have accepted that I may not find medicinal answers for my daughter; that I may have to roll up my sleeves and dish out patience while walking the road of tough love (and that's ok). I just recently wrote my first poem in 7 months.
What does this all mean? There will be times or seasons when everything seems dry and you will have to maintain your realm of responsibility as best as you can while knowing that God has not permanently cut you off. Maybe you've done everything in your power and you have dropped dead from exhaustion. It is at that point he will breath new life into you...he did for me, so why not you?